Helping Hands
by Helen C
Summary: A series of related drabbles, about Ryan and his families—both of them.
1. The Magic Word

**Title** : Helping Hands 

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG-13

**Summary** : A series of related drabbles, about Ryan and his families—both of them.

**Spoilers** : Everything up to _The Ties That Bind_ is fair game.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : May be a tiny little bit angsty.

**A/N** : Many thanks to the awesome joey51 for beta'ing this!

* * *

**Part I. The Magic Word**

1.

Dawn used to say, "I'm sorry."

Usually, she said it after she had drunk until she passed out, or after she had slapped Ryan, or after she had let one of her boyfriends use him as a punching bag.

Once, she said it after she had tried to get into the pants of a friend Ryan had brought home. Ryan was twelve then, his friend never spoke to him again and Ryan stopped inviting people over after that. It had been too embarrassing to risk it happening again and he was already growing tired of explaining that Dawn wasn't a bad mother, really, that she just had problems.

Dawn said she was sorry again, _that_ night, as Ryan was leaving to meet Trey. Ryan took a good look at AJ's passed-out form on the couch and at the coke still on the table before whispering, "Sometimes, sorry is not enough."

2.

Ryan used to say, "At least, things can't get any worse."

Naturally, life in the Atwood household being what it was, he was always proven wrong.

The abuse began slowly, insidiously, after Ryan's father was arrested and their family moved to Chino. And Dawn protested the first slap Trey or Ryan received, the first kick, the first beating.

Then, at some point, she stopped standing up to her boyfriends; stopped defending Trey, claiming he deserved it for being a smartass and a good-for-nothing punk; stopped defending Ryan, claiming he was a know-it-all and he'd amount to no good, just like Trey.

With each new boyfriend, with each bottle Dawn drank, with each blow Trey or Ryan took, their family sank a little lower.

Through it all, Ryan never stopped hoping Dawn would step in and try to make things better—even long after he had understood that she never would.

3.

Trey used to say, "Things can _always_ get worse. It's only when you're dead that things can't get worse."

Naturally, life in the Atwood household being what it was, he was always proven right.

But even after fifteen years of living with Dawn, Ryan still kept hoping for better days, still kept hoping that eventually, Dawn would get her act together and stop self-destructing.

When AJ arrived and started dealing drugs from their living room, started yelling at Ryan to sleep outside tonight or else…, Ryan thought that certainly, this time, they had hit rock bottom.

But Trey had been right after all, things could always get worse, as Ryan realized when Dawn left him—first with a note, then with a wave.

As he was standing near the pool house, watching her walk away, it occurred to him that this time, she hadn't even bothered to say, "I'm sorry."

* * *

TBC 


	2. Flesh and Blood

**Title **: Helping Hands 

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG-13

**Summary** : A series of related drabbles, about Ryan and his families—both of them.

**Spoilers** : Everything up to _The Ties That Bind_ is fair game.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : May be a tiny little bit angsty.

**A/N** : As always, thanks a lot to the awesome joey51 for beta'ing this!

* * *

**Part II. Flesh and Blood**

1.

Sandy asks, "Aren't you tired of feeling alone?"

Ryan thinks about Dawn, passing out in her own vomit, leaving him to clean up the mess. He thinks about all the times he called her work for her, explaining away her hangovers as bad cases of flu. He thinks about the sleepless nights wondering where they'd get the money for the rent, and dreading what would happen if they didn't get it.

_I'm exhausted_, he thinks.

He's not ready to say so, though.

"Let us help," Sandy adds.

Ryan thinks that maybe, some day, he'll be able to accept that help.

2.

Sandy says, "I wish I could make it all better."

Every time he does, Ryan wants to scream.

Doesn't Sandy understand that there's nothing he can do? That there's nothing _anyone_ can do?

No one can erase Ryan's memories.

No one can give him back his childhood.

No one can give him back his family, his home—dysfunctional as is was, it was _his_ and he misses it sometimes.

In Newport, he's just a stranger living with his lawyer's family; he's not a son or a brother here, not really.

No one can take Dawn by the hand and force her to sober up, so she can be a mother again.

The only person who can help Dawn is herself, which means she's doomed. As is the Atwood family—with two members in jail, one God knows where, doing God knows what, and one in Newport.

All of them alone.

3.

Sandy says, "Sometimes, you scare me, Ryan."

Ryan apologizes, then wonders if apologizing all the time is an Atwood trait.

Sometimes, when Ryan allows himself to think about the pathetic amount of time Dawn stayed sober before screwing things up again, he wants to cry. Does it mean that she doesn't love him enough to make an effort?

Probably.

Ryan learned long ago that he would never win that fight. Dawn will never stay sober on his behalf, and it still hurts to admit that his own mother will always choose a bottle of vodka over his own well-being.

Sometimes, when he thinks about all the disappointments, all the promises she didn't keep, all the apologies, he wants to scream.

And when he thinks that she's still out there somewhere, that if she doesn't get herself killed, she'll come back and suffocate him with her needs again, he's disgusted with himself. She's his mother. He'll help her, because that's who he is. And she'll betray him again, because that's who she is.

He'll never be free of her, and he wants to punch a wall, a window, _anything_, to vent his anger.

If he believed it could help, he would.

4.

Sandy says, "You know, when you refuse people's help, you also refuse to let them close. You also refuse to trust them."

Ryan already owes the Cohens so much—the clothes he wears, everything he eats and drinks, the roof over his head and the new chance in life.

He's not sure he'll ever be able to repay them—and it's not only a matter of money, because he doesn't only owe them material things.

Sometimes Ryan thinks that, stranded in Chino without their credit cards, these rich brats wouldn't even last two days.

Ryan _could_ survive on his own if he had to.

But Sandy is right.

Refusing people's help means keeping them at arm's length, not trusting them.

It means refusing to let his guard down.

It means being alone.

Surviving is not the same thing as living, and Ryan has already spent too many years feeling lonely.

5.

Sandy says, "You're not alone, Ryan," several times a day, with words or by his actions, while Ryan wonders if it's possible to grieve for someone who's not dead, someone he hasn't seen in almost one year.

He spent his childhood and most of his teen-age years losing his mother, one little piece at a time. Every time she lied to him about the rent money, the boyfriend's easy-going nature or Ryan's self-worth, he lost her.

He still loses her every day that goes by without hearing from her.

Ryan just hopes that one day, the grieving process will stop.

* * *

TBC 


	3. Helping Hands

**Title **: Helping Hands 

**Author** : Helen C.

**Rating** : PG-13

**Summary** : A series of related drabbles, about Ryan and his families—both of them.

**Spoilers** : Everything up to _The Ties That Bind_ is fair game.

**Disclaimer** : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Warning** : May be a tiny little bit angsty.

**A/N** : Many thanks to the awesome joey51 for beta'ing this!

* * *

**Part III. Helping Hands**

1.

Sandy says, "Anything you need, Ryan, anything at all, you just need to ask, okay?"

Ryan has long since lost count of how many times Sandy and Kirsten, and even Seth, have told him that in the last three years. He has even lost count of how many times they've been true to their word. All he knows is that they keep helping him through one crisis after the other, even though most of the time, Ryan can't bring himself to ask for anything.

In many ways, his life has stayed the same, with his father and Trey still in jail, Dawn still god-knows-where and his own tendency to settle arguments with his fists.

_It's just as well_, Ryan thinks sometimes. He needs to remember what his life was, what it's still like; he can't start taking for granted what he has now—a home he doesn't dread coming back to, a chance to become something other than a criminal.

And besides, even after the past three years, Ryan is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the day when the Cohens will tell him, "Nice meeting you, hope you have a nice life. Away from us."

2.

Dawn says, "I'm sorry," at the end of Seth and Ryan's graduation ceremony.

She's characteristically drunk.

"I shouldn't have left you here," she says.

_Why not_, Ryan wonders. He's as happy as he has ever been, he stopped collecting painful bruises, he starts classes at New York University in the fall. Of course, that also means that he won't be there anymore when Dawn needs him.

"Please, come back with me," she says. Three years ago, he would have said yes. Hell, he _did_ say yes.

For a brief moment, Ryan hates her with a frightening intensity. She's pathetic and needy and weak and manipulative, and a sorry excuse for a human being, let alone a mother.

She's drowning, and she's trying to drag him down with her.

Two minutes in her presence, and he's already suffocating.

She reaches out to him and he takes a step back, suddenly feeling drained.

He asks her to leave. Once, twice, and she's still begging.

Third time is a charm. She leaves.

She always leaves.

Ryan watches her go, wondering how many more times they'll have to play this scene, how many more times he can stand playing this scene before going insane.

3.

Ryan says, "I need help."

Dawn called five minutes ago, wasted, hysterical, threatening to kill herself if he didn't come to her place immediately.

Once upon a time, a mere three years ago, one of Ryan's priorities was to hide the train wreck that was his family life from the eyes of strangers. Most of his teachers never suspected that Ryan's home life was far from ideal, and even Theresa, his closest friend, never knew exactly how bad things were.

Once upon a time, Ryan would have done everything he could to help Dawn all by himself, so that no one but him would see her in such a state, hoping that it would help her to keep what little was left of her dignity.

But things have changed, the Cohens aren't strangers anymore, and Sandy is right, Ryan _is _exhausted—so much so that he can't stand the thought of going there on his own, of shouldering that burden alone.

Ryan wants to belong to a family, wants all the worries, the joys and the helping hands that come with it. He doesn't want to be alone anymore.

And after taking one look at him, Sandy says, "I'll drive."

* * *

end 


End file.
